And The Guilt Goes On Long After The Weaning or Bottle Is Done

I remember the precise time when the guilt-free epiphany came to me. I had just given birth to my first son. It's funny about that new mother period--everyone imagines it will be this tranquil time of oohing and aahing over the new baby, the blissful homecoming as you sweep back into your former life with this little bundle of joy. Hardly anyone talks about the fights. There are fights. In talking with other moms and dads, it is a truth that people somehow don't readily remember, or maybe they just don’t readily admit to it. But I remember and admit it.

So here we are with our lovely little baby. I am making every attempt to nurse this child, with limited success, and my husband is being a jerk about it. (At least, in my hormonally infused brain, I felt like he was being a jerk, thinking to myself, “Hell, it's not like he could do this at all, but there he is accusing me of doing it wrong!”) I became so upset about it that I couldn't nurse at all. And being unable to nurse made me even more upset. What a lovely cyclical event it turned into! Lucky for me, my oldest and dearest friend had come out to help that week. She and I had a long talk about how bottles were invented to feed children, not to make moms feel inadequate or guilty. She reminded me that my husband probably felt a bit helpless and his jerky-ness was a result.
 

After that talk, I nursed as best as I could and began to supplement feedings as necessary. While I wanted to be the perfect mom, I realized then that the definition of perfection is fluid from person to person and situation to situation. I promised myself that I would simply focus on being a fantastic parent within the scope of my own abilities." (excerpt from Chapter 1 Mommy Guilt: Learn To Worry Less, Focus On What Matters Most and Raise Happier Kids)

For many moms all across the country,if not the world, guilt regarding breastfeeding is still feeding long after babies have grown into adulthood. Moms are nursing that guilt longer than even the most devoted La Leche Leaguer.   'tis true.  And it's gotta stop.  Whether you are experiencing guilt relating to breastfeeding, bottle feeding or any combination, it's time to give yourself the gift of guilt-o-meter reduction and embrace your own abilities, even if they fall short of your own expectations or that of someone else's.  As goofy as Al Franken's portrayal of Stuart Smalley may have been, I actually do believe self affirmation goes a hell of a long way with us moms.  So go look in that mirror and repeat "I'm fun to be with. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me!" or maybe you just need to get you a mommy mantra.   Unlike breast-milk and formula, guilt should not be stored away and kept for very long!

Devra Renner, MSW is an author of the award winning under-the-radar cult hit book "Mommy Guilt" and can be found, along with Aviva Pflock, absolving parental angst all over the world.  If you need absolution, you can find Devra and Aviva at Parentopia.