My own mommy war
just finished reading the book Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families
I am a SAHM, although I don't think I am a very good one. I must preface this by saying I love my family and the fact that I get to stay at home with my kids. I know many women do not have this option and I am hoping they do not see this post as someone who is ungrateful. Given the current economy, I know it is a luxury that we do not need a second income in order to stay afloat.
While our bank account is not necessarily suffering, my mental state and most likely my marriage is. I am consumed by jealousy of the moms in this book that are able to have part-time, well paying jobs. They get to go out in the real world and do something. They have adult conversations, take their time in the bathroom, and are not screamed at by tiny dictators all day long.
Lately, the most mentally challenging part of my day has been achieving the high score in Scramble on my iPhone. I was thrilled and could not wait to tell my husband who in turn looked at me like I was crazy.
Couldn't he understand that something must be wrong if I'm ecstatic over an iPhone app? No, he doesn't get it at all. He is tired of me complaining about how I don't get to do anything and instead has resorted to telling me to just go "and get a job then".
This stings even more as the childcare costs far exceed whatever income I might be able to bring in. My husband is also out of town most of the month, which would leave me trying to coordinate daycare drop-off and pick-up on my own. He tells me that parenting is my "job" and that I'll get free time in "about 19 years".
And he wonders why we fight all the time.
I am seething with jealousy over his ability to leave each morning to go out and do whatever he likes. He stops in at Starbucks, goes to fancy lunches, and travels to Vegas and California several times a month. To him, it's no "fun" at all. To me, it sounds fantastic.
What he cannot seem to fathom is that my discontent is not only about missing a job, it's about missing ME. I am with my children 24/7. I have given up everything I liked to do because it was not convenient for them. I no longer teach classes, gave up my personal training business and don't run marathons anymore all because it didn't work into their lives. With all of this, I gave up most of ME. And after reading this book, I am mourning that loss.
Meanwhile all my mommy friends tell me about their getting pedicures, manicures, hair cuts, going to girls night, movies, etc. I do none of that. It's not part of my job description apparently. My position requires that I tend to my kids from sun-up to sun-down. (occasionally my husband will grant me an hour to escape to the gym or go grocery shopping alone. Rest assured, I am always reminded of this later when I comment that I never get out.)
My friends tell me to get a babysitter and go do what I want. Although we are lucky enough to have me stay home, we just cannot afford the crazy babysitting rates in this area. ($16 an hour for 2 kids?!) There are no babysitting co ops in my area and so therefore, I am trapped.
I love my kids and I love being with them but there gets a point where everyone needs a break. A breath. I find myself being short with them and letting my temper take over. I cross my fingers they don't remember how many times mommy has broken down crying that SHE needs a time out.
They suck every last bit of energy out of me and yet somehow I'm supposed to find a second wind for when my husband comes home.
I have to dry off my tears and put on a smiling face for him. As he likes to tell me, I'm one of the lucky ones that does not have to work, right?
I grit my teeth, smile, and tell him about how I didn't score high on Scramble today but I did get to Level 12 on Blowfish.
In the meantime, my own mommy war rages on inside of me.
Original DC Metro Moms post. Lisa blogs about fitness and health at Workout Mommy. You can also follow Lisa on Twitter.
