To Separate, Or Not To Separate?

In May, I gave myself a deadline of July 1 to do something that I have been dreading. Something that, as the end of the month approaches, I still have not done. And something that I am still not any closer to doing than I was in May.

In short - I need to write a letter to the principal of my daughters' elementary school asking her either to separate my twins for kindergarten next year, or to keep them together in the same class. And I just can't bring myself to do either one.

Intellectually, I know that separating them is a good idea. They are five now, and have been in the same classes and the same activities since they were born - three years of pre-school, ballet, soccer, gymnastics, and camp. They are great friends, and thankfully, they are also pretty independent from each other. They don't stick to each other's side when they are at school, and they make friends with other kids and find activities that don't involve each other. But at the same time, they are sisters (albeit not identical), and there's naturally competition that arises when they are both doing the same thing at the same time. With one of my daughters, I have noticed that she tends to give up on something if she feels her sister is better at doing it than she is, which is not ideal.

Separating them in kindergarten would also allow them to forge their own identities more strongly and develop new friendships free of the complicated dynamics that often emerge in threesomes. Instead of being one of "the twins", they would be individuals, like (almost) everyone else.

OK, that's the intellectual side of me writing. The emotional, maternal side, is brokenhearted over the idea of separating these two from the person who brings them the most comfort and consistent happiness and entertainment other than their parents. My girls get along very well, most of the time, and I see how they look out for each other and go to each other when one needs comforting or attention. Since I won't be there in those scary first few weeks at a new school, it's incredibly reassuring to think of them being there for each other in the same room.

Plus, having mutual friends makes playdates easier and more fun. I am already dreading the thought of one being invited to a birthday party or sleepover without the other, and the feeling of rejection or losing out that the other sister might feel. And, I will admit, there is some selfishness going on. Two classrooms means two sets of parent-teacher conferences, two times the classroom parent obligations, and special events that may not (or worse, may!) fall on the same day.

My husband and I seem to be going back and forth on this question each week, flipflopping depending on our most recent experiences with the girls. Most recently, I've watched them transition seamlessly to a new all-day camp, I am sure buoyed by each other's presence. Why disturb that dynamic, I wonder, only to decide an hour later that they each are confident enough to weather kindergarten on their own.

The first day of school is fast approaching - hopefully, by then, I will have made a decision...

Original D.C. Metro Moms post. Gayle also blogs about books at Everyday I Write The Book.