Are You a Fretter or a Dweller?

There are two kinds of people in this world.  Fretters and dwellers.  Fretters worry about what is going to happen.  Dwellers worry about what has already happened.  Maybe there is a third kind of person, those who don't worry about either.  I don't actually know anyone like that though.

I am a fretter.  I obsess over decisions, upcoming meetings, parties, confrontations.  (See almost every blog post I have ever written.)  But once I have made the decision, arrived at the meeting, the party has begun, the confrontation is over - I'm all good.  I don't re-hash or wonder if I made the right decision or said anything stupid.  Maybe it's because the past moves into that great big blur of mommy brain.  Or maybe it's because I'm too busy fretting about whatever is coming up next.

Whenever we host a party, I whip myself into a complete frenzy by the day of the event.  My husband has developed a coping mechanism for these situations.  In those last few hours, when I am frantically cleaning, putting out fresh towels, cooking and snapping at everyone who comes near me, he volunteers to go out for ice.  Then he gets in the car with whatever kids he can convince to come with him and goes to 7-11 for ice.  In West Virginia.  He gets back once the party is in full swing and my fretting is a distant, hazy memory.

My husband, however, is a dweller.  He has a hard time letting things go.  Like the times where he came up with a smart comeback right AFTER the person who deserved it has walked away.  Times when he has lost his luggage.  Decisions he wishes he had made differently.  Baseball games he could have coached differently.  He can re-hash these things for months.

We've had a few frettable events in the past few weeks.  A party, a big kindergarten (or not) decision, and a meeting at school about the behavior of one of my kids.  After walking around with my stomach churning and my thoughts in a swirl for days before each one, I wondered how to stop the fretting.  How do I become that elusive person who is neither fretter nor dweller? 

But I realized, as I made it through each hurdle, that fretting is my way of preparing.  It's my way of considering all the options, thinking of every permeation, making sure I have enough food and drink.  Fretting is what eventually allows me to live in the moment.  To enjoy my party or rule out options or advocate for my child.  And then to move on.  I don't have to dwell on those moments.  By fretting beforehand, I made sure I did my best and have no regrets after.  If I wasn't fretting, I'd be flying by the seat of my pants and dwelling on it after.

This is an original DC Metro Moms post.  Sue frets extensively at Laundry for Six.