DC Metro Moms

I can see clearly now the snow has gone, but now I'm kind of a weirdo

 The snow has almost melted and the roads have been clear for more than a week. Kids are back in school and one would think all would be right with the world. "The 11 Days of Captivity" as I have come to call it took a toll on everyone.  The joke wasn't missed that the only day the kids went to school prior to The Big Snow was Groundhog Day, and the 10 days following just seemed like a really bad Bill Murray movie. Same snow, different day.  Earlier today I was talking with our neighbor and something occurred to me, our reality has shifted to include things that earlier we may have eschewed but now embrace as routine, if not totally normal.

1. Inviting your neighbor over to do their laundry since you have a generator and they don't.

2. Wearing flip flops when it is 45 degrees because you consider anything above 19 degrees a "heat wave." This goes along with letting your kids wear shorts to school because you've lost touch with reality and they are going to be successful pushing the envelope, so they do.

3. Writing a "Thank you" note to your children's school because you now fully understand and appreciate why it is your children go to a school and are not home-schooled by you.

And let me break for a moment to say when my son's 4th grade teacher emailed homework for us to print, I went to download the PDF's and wondered, "Why are they studying 5 pages about hormones?"  Homophones. It was HOMOPHONES.

Smartassery Begets Smartassery In My Family

You know what happens when you make fun of something and you do so repeatedly?  Do you know what will happen if you joke that if you owned such an atrocity you might be inclined to get rid of grounding as a discipline technique  and instead wear that certain something to your sons' soccer games and cheer loudly on the sidelines? What about if you pointed it out that your husband should get one and wear it to the Pentagon work since his office tends to be a little on the chilly side?

What if you were asked to change the channel on the TV and sighed, "I'd love to help you out, but alas, my blanket doesn't have sleeves." Let's say you also theatrically chattered your teeth and accompanied the chattering sound with a "brrr" every time you opened your laptop?  Maybe you make one too many references to how a person could be cast as  Huggy Bear's long lost sister on Starsky & Hutch. You know, the one who lived in the frozen tundra?  If that weren't enough, you continued to insist the thing was nothing more than a long sleeved hospital gown-only made out of fleece.   Do you have any idea what will happen if you do such things?

That's right. You'll receive a bright pink Snuggie as a Chanukkah gift from your children.   

Original post to DC Metro Moms. You can find Devra and her pink Snuggie over at Parentopia.

How 'bout a helping of brains with your turkey?

A week or so ago my husband and I joined our younger son at his elementary school for a Thanksgiving lunch in the school cafeteria. We've had two children attend this elementary school and the Thanksgiving lunch is something we've done in years past.

 

Only this year it was different. As the three of us arrived at our table and sat down one of my son's classmates burst into tears. He was seated next to me, I asked him what was up. "My parents aren't here!" Okay, no problem. "I'll go check and see if they are signed up for the lunch," I told him as I got up and made my way to the sign-in table in the school's foyer.

 

Arriving at the table I inquired if this particular student's parents, or any other person, had signed up for the lunch. I gave the students name to the woman at the table. "No, they aren't signed up." Okay. No problem. We'll just take him under our wing for the lunch. It'll be fine.

 

I was about to turn from the table, but this woman wasn't done, "To be PC, his parents don't come to things." Huh? I was puzzled. I stared blankly. The woman tried again, "To be PC, his parents aren't the type of people to come to things in the middle of the day." Again I stared at her, turned my gaze to the teacher seated beside her and said "Our family will include him with us and we'll get through it. I'll also let his teacher know he was upset."

Things That Go Bump In The Night

Driving home on a dark and rainy night something zoomed onto the road right in front of my car. There was no way I could safely swerve to avoid it. Braking on the slick road wasn't an option. The other lane wasn't clear either. My heart sank as I heard the small thump and felt the bump under the wheels of my minivan. My mother and my son were in the car with me. I did my best to quickly channel Mr. Rogers and I prepared myself for the questions which would no doubt begin after my son heard the bump.  Only he wasn't the one with all the questions. It was my mother.

Baba: What was that?

Me: It was a raccoon. It just ran right out into the road, I couldn't avoid it safely.

Baba: Why was it crossing the road?

Me: Not sure. Maybe no one ever told it "Cross at the green, not in between."

Son: Baba, I know why.

Baba: You do? Really?  Why?

Son: To get to the other side.

Maybe Cory and Conan will fight over me

I don't recall how it happened, whether I followed him first or he found me.  All I know is we shared our love. Yes, it's true. I shared love with a man other than my husband. A man I met over the internet. We Tweeted  expressed it openly and  DM'd it in private.  I told this man, I wanted to visit him and we could continue what we had started online and bring it into our real lives. I even made a video about the love we both share. I know, I know. I'm married. I have two kids. I live in a completely different state.  And yet I told this man I would meet him at a diner in New Jersey so we could both get us some...

Coffee.

Oh what a woman would not do to get a decent cup o'Joe. Maybe it borders on criminal, maybe it borders on the inappropriate, but Cory Booker, the Mayor of Newark, became my caffienated confidant. You see, I could tell Cory about my Java use knowing he was simpatico. Yes, I know, some people would consider it akin to a platonic  affair, disclosing my gold filtered unfiltered feelings to a man other than my own husband, but I don't see it that way at all. My husband has no interest in coffee. Nay, he spurns it.   Do I sneak out of the house to fulfill my needs? No. Absolutely not! I grind at home. Right in the kitchen. In front of G-d and everyone. There is nothing tawdry going on and my 19  year marriage is still a strong brew.

He has a higher security clearance than the school bus driver. So shouldn't you be able to trust him with your kids?

Being in the the shadow of the capital, one might think every public school within 50 miles of the Beltway would be showing the speech President Obama delivered on the first day of school. A speech delivered in Arlington Virginia. Can't get much more local than that. Well, think again.

Last week my son's elementary school principal sent home a note to all of the parents informing us the president's speech to children will be shown in a couple of days. The note stated it was being sent home in response to several parental inquiries regarding the showing of President Obama's speech to school children in Arlington. It included information for parents who may wish to request an "Opt Out" for their child. The note shared that an alternate activity would be offered to those children who would not be watching the president's speech. I heard my grandmother's voice in my head, "What has gotten into these people?"

Indeed. Something is seriously amiss.

Where the hell is National Harbor?

I was fairly certain National Harbor was somewhere near DC, but then something happened and I wasn't so confident.  I had planned a Pre-BlogHer gathering at a brand new gallery, arranged for a fabulous sponsor for the soiree, even arranged for a fancy schmancy caterer. I'd gone crazy in the wine store.  Everything was in place for a fabulous evening of getting to know other bloggers from DC, VA and MD.  The day of the event,  I had everything packed in my car and ready to roll. I plugged the information into my GPS and then I felt my stomach lurch. 

 Staring back at me were the words "Oxon Hill, MD."  Not being from DC, I read "Maryland" and instantly began to hyperventilate as my mind began to race, "Uh oh. Did I plan a DC, VA and MD event in Baltimore by accident. Who does that? Who plans an event accidentally in the wrong locale over an hour away?"  Thankfully, not I.

Perhaps I'm the one who needs the 'Net Nanny

I'm fairly certain if you polled parents most of us would have a tale to tell about something their child said in a public place, and very loudly, which was so embarrassing we wanted to be swallowed up by the earth the moment it happened. I'm not only going to say I've had those kind of moments, but I've even accidentally caused a couple of them on my own. But in a world where we all seem to be able to say "It's not my fault!" I'm going to just go ahead and blame Tom Selleck. The bastard.

Remember this scene in the  movie "Three Men And A Baby?"

Peter Mitchell: [reading a review of a boxing match in a hushed, storytelling way] The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook...
Michael Kellam: What are you reading her?
Peter Mitchell: [responding to Michael in same tone] It doesn't matter what I read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway, now where were we?

When I became a parent, I took that to heart and had some fun with it. So this meant we had a couple of inside jokes with our kids we repeated and they became our very own cheesy sitcom moment:

Standardized Testing is Testing My Standards.

In Virginia the public schools just completed the SOL (Standards Of Learning) testing. Our third grade son took them this year for the first time. As part of the preparation for the testing, the elementary school held a meeting for third grade parents to discuss the SOL testing; i.e. what to expect, how the testing is monitored, who grades it, when the scores get returned, etc. I attended the meeting more out of curiosity than a need to know since we have an older son in Middle School and he's taken the SOL's since he was in third grade.  Prior to the meeting I had offered to provide the school administrator with some talking points about kids and testing, but more from the perspective of giving parents permission to relax about the testing. After all, this isn't an SAT, the third grade SOL will not determine if your child will be accepted to Harvard. It's mainly a test to determine a school's educational performance, not individual student learning. However, despite what the test is supposed to measure, there are parents who are dead set on their children acing this test and getting a perfect score. 

I used Saturday Night Live as a parenting tool. So what. Who cares.

I live in suburbia and I drive children to soccer practice in a minivan. Now that we've gotten that bombshell out of the way, let's move it along.  The Pool I schlep includes my own 13 year old son, 3 other members of his U13 soccer team, and from time to time it also includes my almost 9 year old who keeps me company for the ride. Last week I had both of my sons with me as we picked up the other riders. Once everyone was assembled, we headed to practice.

The boys usually spend drive time talking about their teachers and homework assignments. Occasionally one or two of them may be plugged into an iPod so they can't hear me singcan have some chill time before hitting the practice field. Sometimes they will talk about stuff they have watched on TV, heard on the news or funny stories/jokes from school friends.  Most of the time it's age appropriate potty humor of the middle school variety.  Most of the time the older boys keep things in check if they see, or are reminded, that the younger Renner boy is in the car too.  But sometimes through no fault of their own, my younger son will overhear something and store it away like a squirrel preparing for a long winter.