DC Metro Moms

For Girls Only?

My middle son is becoming a gymnast.

Not like an Olympic caliber gymnast or anything, but a cartwheel-loving, back-hand-springing, little, muscular ball-of-explosive-energy gymnast.

Basically, he’ taking a gymnastic class that is designed to teach the fundamentals of the sport to 4 and 5 year old children.

And guess what?!

He loves it!

As in smiling, and laughing, and begging me to take him loves it.

He doesn’t feel that way about much. 

Let me rephrase.  He doesn’t feel that way about anything.

So seeing him happily bound across the floor and swivel around the pommel horse makes me pretty dang excited.

So what’s the problem?

Nothing!

At least not for me.

But, apparently it’s a bit of a problem for other people.

Dumb Mom's Guide to Taking Awesome Photos of Your Kids

Dumb Mom's Guide to Taking Awesome Photos of Your Kids (even if they refuse to cooperate with you)

1.  Pretend you don’t care.  Just like when they swear, or bite their nails, or have a temper tantrum at Costco.  You act overly calm, like it doesn’t bother you one bit that every-single-bloody-friggin’-time you pull out the camera, dress them in clothing that’s clean and fits and isn’t a former Halloween costume, and wipe the hobo beard of dirt offa their faces they decide they will cry, run around like maniacs, smile, or even look in your general direction.  Your nonchalance will eventually lead to their cooperation, or at least to a timelessly funny photo that will live on in infamy.

2.  Threaten harm.  Like the bodily sort.  And, should that fail, immediately threaten to take away their most prized possessions (i.e.. their DS, their Wii, or any other electronic gaming device).  This works WONDERS on The Dudes who I discovered have been hiding a little Tyson Beckford behind the wandering eyes and scowly faces I usually get.

3.  Bribery.  As always, it should be resorted to after your other “good parenting” advice fails.  And, when it is time to resort to this often frowned upon method of behavior modification, you shouldn’t feel shame or embarrassment or guilt for using it.  If it works, it must be okay.

Dumb Mom's Guide to Celebrating the Earth

...with Kids. Because everything you do with kids requires more time, more forethought, and way more hand sanitizer.

1.  Scare ‘em.  Scare ‘em early and scare ‘em good.  Many of us grew up with a bit of a blatant disregard for the Earth and its resources.  We didn’t recycle in my hometown and Aqua Net was used daily despite the fact that some one once said it was blowing a hole the size of Montana in the ozone layer.  We were way more laissez faire with the Earth’s goodies than we shoulda been and learning not to be anymore is sorta tough.  So, to prevent my kids from growing up with a careless attitude towards conservation, preservation, waste and the like, I tell them regularly that this fragile planet we live on is on a death march to destruction.  I’ve convinced them that if they don’t put their craft projects from school empty juice boxes in the recycle bin they will be responsible for blowing this place sky high.  And, I play on their love for wildlife, too.  They are WAY less likely to litter if they think a whole stream full of salmon or gonna perish because of it.  Fear works people, almost as well as bribery!

2.  First hand experiences.  Kids learn best when they can see the tangible effects of their actions.  Oftentimes telling your son that he is gonna crack his head on the space heater if he doesn’t stop jumping off a the couch doesn’t stop his behavior, but actually cracking his head on the thing will slow him down, at least temporarily.  Same goes for learning about the need to care for our Earth.  We have been talking a bit about pollution and clean water (inspired by some show on TV about drinking water in Africa not being up to par).  They were confused because they pee in the lake all the time and no one ever gets sick or dies because of it.  They don’t really appreciate the hi-tech mechanisms working behind the scenes to make the lake water safe for us to drink.  But, I take them to Wal-Mart from time to time and let them walk down the fish aisle just to give them a glimpse at the ugly, faulty water filtration system (combined with carelessness, poor overall hygiene, unsafe handling practices, and a questionable gene pool) can produce.  Somehow they get the picture when they see the multitude of “swimming upside down fish”.

Dumb Mom's Guide to Nursing

Actually, this is Dumb Mom's Guide to Nursing your Brand New Hairy Wolverine Baby

1. Get titanium tits nipples. You can do this in one of two ways, 1) walk around with a vice grip connected to your girls for the last three months of your pregnancy, or 2)rub them raw with a Brillo pad, wire brush, or the like. If neither of these options sound appealing, then perhaps nursing is not for you.

2. Check your insurance benefits. Before you give birth you will want to be advised of exactly what your insurance company will cover in regards to your postpartum care. Most importantly, you need to determine if they cover a wet nurse as having one will allow you to completely eliminate yourself from the nursing a-seriously-does-this-thing-have-fangs-baby equation. Should this not be covered, you should ask about the possibility of receiving caffeine injections to allow you to keep up with your you'll-feed-me-when-I-say-so newborn.